But where are you?

But where are you when I need to grab you to take me away of my fears..?

Dear Orange,

Hope you receive the mail right on time...two months since us apart.

I never miss someone and cry allot of it. Do you?

Two months and finally trust someone to share my story. Wish I will never going to see you again since i'm afraid...

I will be so dependent to you

I’m ashamed...of my entire life story

I’m angry...feel you dig me so hard

It was not my dream that someday I will be able to tell someone about me just by mail. Wish had someone there to hold me and help me when I 'LET IT ALL OUT' but once again your anger made me feel I am useless and not worth for you.

“Is there anything else, Nancy ?"

U asked it on the phone that morning...simple questions from you...but it started blast view in my head. And since it started by that...its not stopping ...until now...

But where are you when I need to grab you and take me away my fears..?

Do you believe in dreams? I have been dreaming of all: scenes, frames and plays of my past since I let it out to you. That’s why I kept everything inside just to be forgotten. So I wont have to see the past again even only by memories. Coz I know once it started, it won’t stop, even I don’t want to, and it keeps coming. Even when I sometimes didn’t even remember it but it was there come to me as nightmares and I wake up feel regret and blame the world, "why cant I just stop having this visions" And I count again of how many years was the visions I had in my dream passes, then I blame my self again of "Been so long why cant I just forget about it..." and I know I have to gathered all my energy to fight the next screen to come. So I will never going to have it for tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and so on. Again, I know once it started, it won’t stop and it’s hard, very...very...very...hard just to live a life by that way...

But where are you when I need to grab you to take me away of my fears..?

With you? U asked me: "Is there anything else, Nancy?"

To answer the questions, I moved back and pick all those pieces that I wished not going to see again.

Served it all for you, just because I am so afraid you will make me not worth anymore.

I started to life my nightmares again of plenty things, cause even after years I know I am supposed to use it because I still had my nightmares. Visions front of my eyes so clear, made me insane. It all came and comes even when I am awake. But I keep telling myself that just hallucinations. I should not talk, scream or see it. Should concentrate more to realities. But I am grown up, I WILL NEVER GONNA USE any MEDICINE, any DRUGS, anything to escape; I may high but NO MORE...

But where are you when I need to grab you to take me away of my fears..?

Two months now...Can you dare to tell me I can pass everything from now? I need you to tell me I can pass everything without you from now on...or else..

I just need you....

1st posted on friday, sept 3. 2005

written April 2005