Mail For A Sincere Friend

Dear Deven...

My sadness... Is when I tried hard not to think that im treated like tea bag that someone out there I expected will turn his eyes on me again as he was before when he were down. Killing missing ness is the painful thing I have recently. It had curioucity and suspicions, it flows empty fantasy, it built stacked road in brain. Worst was even when I thought I have intelligent way of almost everything of obstacles in life, Missing ness is one I cant dare to beat. And noting can help it. Even when I tried to reach by vision of touching a single hair of him, it don't work at all. And calling never helps, not even a shadow to come over. Because seems all voice returned by hopeless wind For all those I like and dislikes......
Noting is worth of happiness then a single news of everything surrounds him is going on well. Not even jealousy can beat that great full of knowing his still alive instead lying in the hospital bed without inform me again.

My wish is too simple but my wonders catches as complex and annoying investigations. Cant find why is it so... Then when I stopped being so possessive, I started fought with my own sorrow of wonders, of missing ness again. Tried to kill it by non stop crazy work and realized its only kills me not my pain. What is my happiness....? When I want something so simple and unbound non committed feeling from someone.. Still I cant even have it by the cost of distance, by the situations of apart and conditions of hectic working days.... I don’t think I can say what will make happy anymore except giving reply answer with a questions... Do I deserve to have happiness?

About my life.... Its been 26 year old of my life and been looking around in lots of relationship journey from all kinds and nations of loveable hearts... Still I was stacked by the offered of settle down, in some offered long way from home, by good visions of great futures and life... And I was unsure.....and causes broken heart.... Now... when finally find someone out there for me... When im ready to leave all here in my own home country for him.. When I expected there will be a word of future togetherness from his lips... I was forced to be ready being apart... By work life with all its have to accomplished silly targets...with never satisfy meeting points... And by predictions of short age of a killing disease... from a stupid doctors... Till then, I never know do I deserve to have happiness. Im sorry to disappointed you with no answer of it...

Till now what I like to do.... The most is keep my mind away from painful killings. By searching lots of friendfull heart trough mails, chat and anything... just to keep myself survive to realized that im still living in this world of many ppl surrounds me...

And about heart.... All I have for truth friend is a heart with...

Warm hugs,
Nancy Margaretha

Sunday, July 31, 2005