Finally break up

Itz been few weeks i look for him and no answer, and i did it, now, i lost my solitude for couple of weeks...

Im tellin you I’m fed up with work already. I tot my planned vacation with ma orange will cover up everything, but then its canceled. Im crying, soo very very hard. I loose my self for few weeks back. I don’t want to see anything and nothing at all, all I let it flow and go with the wind.
I SMS him as notice him that finally I’m willing to let him go. I did it not for him, I know he will delete it or somehow will not going to read it. I did it for me, myself, to be brave to let him go. And im regret. This tears is a very painful tears. I hate crying. Really.

I don’t know where to look for a shoulder to cry on, but Hassan told me, there’s GOD there always open his arms for me. My Lord, I luv you.
Just too many man in my circle but then I only pick one for me, planned and waited to be with him for so long, Living with killing missing ness, and when the minutes to come, I have to let him go. He wants me to let him go. Lord, why life never being fair on me?

I can just F**K with any man I think I deserve to have and flirt on me. But this silly loyal lady fools her self and got being kept in wrap as return. I know my tears will not matter for him as he leaves the previous one for me. Even a life on the end of valium dint worked, why sud mine worth?

See, what was regret me is, I keep told him, we can just be friend, I don’t deserve to have yours and stuff, but he assure me, told me to keep the faith, be strong for d distance, all things carry me to dreams. And he break it. Treated my heart just like tea bag! I;m MAD, really crazy, but what can I do? My pride so flatted now and I wish I can kill him by my own hand. Slice him into pieces and torture him as cruel as anyone can do.

But I can’t. And somehow I won’t keep crying also.

I dunno why, its just all we had back then too sweet to forget. I still have the wish he can keep making me proud of whatever decision make, like what he did and till now. I luv him that way and that kinda feeling it’s not passionate one. And its still here, stuck in my heart. That’s why I can’t do anything. Love loose already, but my proud ness to have him as strong kiddo never till now.

I will beat him someday, will make his eyes sees me, as I was to everyone else hurt me before. I know im gonna do that, its happen with Van before, been 11 years to go now. I have short moment for him as he told me so, but somehow I know I will got the chance. Lord keep leads me to the way of whatevea I faith on even it took years.

For once, he sure knows, I’m a person who will never forget a pass. Im a person who always loyal for a feeling. I keep my promise to all people I care, even they ask me to stop visiting them or putting my care less for them. He know when my heart crush on cares ness, I will never take it off till their or my time come.

And somehow, I will keep my promises to him, no matter what, till my time or his time. Even it won’t be a passionate luv but making up a commitment to sincere ones it’s a must for me, and somehow there’s always a pathway to do that. It’s a lord gift, maybe coz I don’t ask for return in care.

So, I will keep my proms to this fucking bullshit guy who once telling me he never let down people he consider close to him!

No one likes to live in pain, but it survives you to beat it.

Sunday Oct'02'05