Machine

Was looking at a broken hearted view of a young lady by his man.

I dint get any reason when i cached that tears fallen.

Did asked, then she started to tell everything. The story flows, still here in my mind. She reminds me of myself. How love can damage a human being and soul. You can’t just call it Broken Heart, its more then broken...it lost your sense of everything in your life. She had a nice character within herself before that happened, by time goes, all whoever know her can figure out theres something wrong with her. She is so visible to others and what I heard was just a teased how week she is. But still she doesn’t care. She let her self falling even deeper, with eyes begs for help and mercy.

She sees me as strong women as other people see me. Like he told me that Im his Diamond Ball. Then those opinion fall me more. Am I that strong? Or I just look strong?

Somehow I feel jealous by the neither sympathy she have, faked nor real. I want that too. At least she shares her wounds and it doesn’t infect the others in some way. But me? I keep wrote and write till I even bored reading what was written. And the fake sympathy goes from me to myself. How pathetic feeling I have.

By the time I decide to survive was trying to get myself as a machine without feeling at all.
Unfortunately even I thought it will worked, my heart fought me for honesty more. I was collapsed several times. I messed up my job. I screwed every new relationship that came to me coz selfish is the other thing that shown. Worst, I killed my self and my Maa saw that. She was so upset but speechless couse she saw me torture myself by ignoring my physical strength. I love her but she must understand me that this thing inside is something I cant share to anyone…specially anyone who knows me and him.

I nearly sleep everyday till now and lay on bed with circling eyes worries about him so much. I can’t explain thing why I can’t sleep well till I got oral warning from my manager to come early in the morning. It wasn’t coz I was wake late but I enjoy the ghosting view of those activity, the alley, our wake up time, breakfast order we waited and all those thing passed every morning on my way to work when he was here.

I’m a person with common sense but since I have him in my life...

No… not since I have him…

Since I open everything I was holding back in me to him actually…

I was so dependant on him. Like he have to be responsible knowing my past. Coz he have the complete story as none knows me in this world. Sometimes I wish his dead so I can keep my secret again with me. He was right when he describe himself that he don’t know what his doing and where his going. Im worst then that, i dont even know what I am anymore.

Again, He was right at the moment he taken back himself by running away for over a months we apart. I can see the effect that his going on with his life now. And he wins. He can manage himself to forget me by good master plan. Such a good planning man he is. He becomes stronger and my name is need less anymore.
"Whos Nancy? Never heard before..."
I should take the same step like he did to spare the wound infected me with open scares. So I will know how to heal it, so the nature will have time to think how to cure it. And he wins. And I was wasting my time by spread the pain little by little so it will find its own way to recover. What I had now is a bigger tear in my soul. Coz now when I begin to explode, no one there to help me as I was with him when he was low.

U know why it happened. Coz I’m totally bullshit. I’m a great pretender. I laugh, I scream, I make jokes, make people enjoying me so much till the throw up on me and expecting me to entertain them more. He knows me that way, and I’m sure he still remembers me as I am. He keeps telling me not to put thing behind and ignored any mistake or un comfort ness I have inside. And he was right. He told me with his nose up that if people want to see me as I’m they see me now as I am. But not me.

When I was wounded I keep thinking it will be not so mature to shown your pain as the girl I told you before. I was so scare people will saw me in such pity way. Now when I yelled back to all in this world tell them that

“Gosh im Dying in missing ness..”, then the answer was:

"You Nancy, dying? Common…"

And Im alone. Still he believes me as his Diamon Ball as everybody look me like a Super Women.

Can you blame on opinion?

Then I begin to create myself as everyone wanted to saw me as they see now.

A MACHINE

By holes within his heart he is the intelligent guy who’s able to create a machine from this willingness I give him.

Na…a…his not a murderer like he thought he was, he just the intelligent machines creator, he created a machine coz he wants everybody else under his rules as he is his own creations. Its not because his loneliness and passions of this universe, its because he keep so...many things inside his minds always. All this years in his life he knows where his gonna end up to. The predictable Journey...

Pity was he was so desperate by showing everybody that he never fears of death. But he did scare of it, then he knows...A machine just expired or you can re-built it. Then he came within an idea of smashing his heart into a machine...

Even when i was came to his life he realized its not supposed to be that way, but the distance, the time and the pain stabs him more... He built himself by keeping his mind alone and put back all his pain, sorrow, mind and thought into binary codes surrounds him. He is an engineer for lastest version of 'Human Creator' Engine.

Now he created me as his Machine.

Im gonna be a machine to my work,

Im gonna be a machine to my feeling,

A machine which erase all sense at all.

Im gonna kill and hurt myself, burn the human part of mine to be a strong and independent women like he want me too. Coz he dares to see me that way but dig me hard of my feelings. I was a machine before. At least almost. I saw myself as A walking liar everywhere I go.

Back then...I was being so truthful by his request…

But somehow…now he had forgotten me already.

So beat it. I was crush before and I should not worth to rise up again.

He created machines here…

Saturday,Oct 29, 2005

Comment:
No One is a created machine in this world...everybody lets themselves be drawn into something and one has to be strong enough to come out of that circle..many a great revolutions were crushed again and again, but sheer willpower and degtermination made them successfull the final time....doesnt hurt to throw ur best for one more time....ur well wisher...Ramesh
Posted by: Ramesh | June 30, 2005 01:33 PM