DOUBT!

Talking get to know each other right?...Hm….The list goes exactly right in order from the most I can’t handle to the easiest I might able to deal with.

WHERE THE HELL ARE WE GOING?
Avoiding
The one line about “where you will lead this to…?” Do you know?....
I had lots of unpleasant dreams about it. He walked out off me thou I asked him to stay. He just didn’t.
He shows confidence as he is such full of himself. I keep draggin him to that point with my uncertain reason.
But all those on the surface only…I know…we are always act opposite of what we are.
From my side I got no doubt since it won’t take too much effort for any plan we will implement. I just don’t see the reason why we can’t discuss about it when we talk almost everything but that one. Instead, he grabbed the chance of fail as reason to avoid it. Isn’t dat ????????

Work on it
Tell me if I become so demanding, I don’t give a shit about it. A man got to do what a man got to do, right?
Still…we agree in one point thou, either this will work or not, we will try…
My problem is : How to try on it…
His problem is : He dunno what to try on…
Like deciding either chicken first or an egg!
Will it path us to anything?
Don’t think so.

Bond
I feel kinda awkward, coz this is the 1^st time I DON’T FEEL LIKE avoiding to get any bond from anyone. Its not I wanna be free, I just can’t bare the commitment, although I may proud of myself that I am devoted.
I keep thinking what if someday things not running well? I must keep compromise to my partner for the rest of our togetherness in life, means I must stay stuck in the circle just for a thing call commitment. I dunno if I can do that to one man for the rest of my life.
With him, I can sense how eager I am, I can speak out loud that I need bond. I need to feel secure, of whatever he does whenever he will be.
Strange, coz I know that’s the only way he will be mine coz his gna be a great LONG TERM PARTNER I can have. Strange coz somehow I know him, if he let time decide, he will let himself goes with time. Somebody got to stop his adventure.
I just don’t want to feel loosing anyone anymore. If there’s a commitment and bond between us, his belong to me and I am too. No way I’m gna loose someone again just because distance, time different and all those stuff. Specially him. The only reason why I am so sure about it is because we are just too similar? That’s how I will keep me if I’m him.
That’s the only way. It’s like…have him for rest of your life, or I must be strong coz we gna a part not very long.

Guts
When he told me to get into the process first and see what happened, I was instantly backed out from the idea, disappointed a lot. I’m falling apart when I realized, he decide to let the time decide…
I keep telling him, I’m tired, either I prefer just to play or I really need to get serious with this one. See, I don’t even know is it I’m just fed up being single in this age or I really need to see his hair turn grey?
I want him to take a realistic move instead of keep learning his own feeling. Why waste lots of time for your last relationship but ended being apart jst you wanna see things more clearly? We both had that in the past; I just don’t think it will work anymore. I wont let him go even I know I have to compromise a lot with him, the only way to do so is not letting time to decide, but use time only to give us space. If things in the middle of our way not working, time will only give more and more space to keep working on it. No way to escape which usually leads to a part.

About him, I can see my self playing one time game to end. All I’m expecting he set up plan for us in a short term time. If afterwards he wants to go, to play around, to do whatever he likes, I got no issues, that will be his own game, but my game is over…end with him. No matter how he is and he will be. I got the guts…for good and bad time….
But he said: he still decides to let time lead….. (Sigh)
What I see right now is just a Different Style of a coward…
Excuse, excuse, too many excuse.

WHAT THE F**K YOU TAKE OFF MY PRIDE!

Daily Call. Excuse for takin my pride.
Excuse for breaking up someone heart, beat it! Still unacceptable if you will get bother by 20 ring tone coz the cost of 20 minute late of daily call, you can just pick an R&B or Hip-Hop tone then! I’ll dance for YA!
All men let himself lead by his women when he loves them. In other say: actually MAN CONTROL when they LET the women control them like: “DAILY CALL...IS A MUST” The truth, I got nothing to against it coz I call it love…
But what happen soon he decides to someone else? What my Orange did: he dint leave her, he understand his was wrong, come on, he was cheating. But one he sure of was, purely he wanted me whose the one to be in control for him, that was why he took the role told her, when and how to get in touch with him, unfortunately it was exactly the he did to me few months we a parted L. At that time, Orange manage to forced her to understand that she got no option but agree about keeping the communication (well he served with bunch of lies how busy he was) but he sure her that he will get rid of her out of his ‘ears’ and ‘text’ if she complained, coz thou his wrong, nothing can against his feeling. Unfortunately when she did understand her post, I knew my chance also same with her, coz such ‘foolish’-understanding’ lady she was. That one I had was a real fight! Even for three of us. Coz again, each of us agrees, we all did our part, to hang on stand and to seduce just to keep the relationship goes. And at that moment, really time lead.

Thousand SMS, I was ok with it till the news came: Well, as smart I’ am; I got my answer as quick as a snap: if she suicide coz feeling pissed, I wont still think it be my luck to have him for me, it be just coz another stupid bitch death shows. When My Orange fiancée on the hospital what he did what waited for her there till she awake just wanted to tell her how could she did that to him, making him as criminal instead of victim. If someone trying mess me around to put me as criminal here, I’m sure gnna kick her ass off! I dun care about who ever the man that cost her like that! Beside, dudes, you are not worth for such defense from me.

D picture, she won’t see either you still put her picture on ur mobile or not, for cryin out loud, she’s miles away! If you are me, wont u thinks, it’s just an escape of missing ness? What is it? Want to say: “Hey world I got unattractive girl (as I admitted) picture within my mobile when a hot girl here slipin’ her hand behind my back pocket pants” Yeah, do dat, forget I got a pride! Like I do care uh? Well I don’t, but SO DO YOU!
Ok, about keeping picture, I do dat a lot, if I see him as me. I NEED to see ‘My Orange’ picture everyday if possible, coz I miss him. As he ADVICED: “dats how to loose the feeling: Stop looking at the picture!” ...Hey I did my part!

What I’m saying is : If my Orange is not My-Ex, who ever he is, but if he was able to control his women, how come you can’t? If you cant now, how you gonna lead me then?
The fact that eventually Orange didn’t keep me or her with him, but one for sure, he keeps my pride there, coz he probably know as far as how devoted I am for a feeling concern, the only thing I got left; It’s all about MY PRIDE…

WHY FOR SAKE YOU INSULT ME!
Try me! Chalange Me!
As we both agree, learn from his experience, he surely can’t bare to ‘hold’ himself wherever he is. Even he planned not to when he arrived here, well, obviously he dint make it when we had the first quarrel at the bar. Its not I can’t understand that, but I’m trying to figure out who am I when his telling me, “he was three days here with her, a week there with someone else” its really putting me as one dot of his line configuration, I am a ‘her’ and be at ‘here’ also, who ever am I and whenever I am. Coz so far among all, I only see her that he stands on in a quite stable connection…a real daily connection, but she wasn’t me at all, not me (yet or ever, probably) And I’m sorry to say, I got no challenge to do d same thing, its not I’m stupid loyal gurl nor I don’t like people sees me I am gooddamn gorgeous surrounded by men, coz he knows I am and I can, its…just like I said; I just got my pride! ..but don’t try me….

Flirting. Not only because I’m used hangs around males’ dat make me enjoy a ‘beautiful view’, if it is nice to see, I just feel to comment about it. When you think you can get ‘one’ while I’m around, even you don’t really think about it, it was just a jokes for you, it really suck for me. I mean, what the hell you want? I gave my license ain’t I? Sometimes I just don’t get the idea why he brag about it so bad? Sud open his eyes that whenever he tell me he thinks someone flirt on him or he know he surely will get anyone he wants to flirt to, he making his pride lower then what he got left.
But well…if he wants to get the show of having
‘fifty cent’ chick here…
and ‘fifty cents’ chick there…
while keeping ‘One Dollar ‘Innocent’ girl’ picture in his mobile
and spend all the rest his time and money to a Bar full of chicks…
He IS THE MAN!
But if he still his hoping nice comfortable nights with a ‘smart-intelligent women’ without a dime …
I don’t need me told him: HEY! BE A MAN!
But sorry I’m not the WOMEN! At least don’t make me feel like one!

Nasty teased. I agree his d only one I feel comfortable to do ‘his style’ to. But if he keeps asking ‘that’ and keep slips the teased almost all the time, actually its his ‘way to encourage me’ that disgust me. I asked couple of times; is it because ‘Im Hot’? Most of the time I’m just confirm my self that is just a matter of culture. I don’t say I’m such decent girl but I do have my limit for things I call politely to say and not. But still can’t bare treat as porn star instead a complement. Not only that, I feel like saying…If he keep treated me like a bitch, his the dumbest bastard a whore wont even serve!

Whuff!!!
What a release….

Written May 13, 2006