LOGICAL ATTENTION OF AN ATTITUDE

Haven’t got any news from him for days. No response thou I tried to send few texts and calls. Can’t blame thou, his busy and had his bday party, drunks all nite long must be into the whole schedule. I know, if I’m him, I would.

For me this is still pathetic. I hate having this thing back. Keep asking myself why the hell I’m drawn into this kind of relationship again. You know….

When your man so damn workaholic like you used to be when you haven’t meet him. And he stayed that way but you couldn’t coz you got him in your brain most of the time.
When you don’t want anyone to get worries wherever you assign for work and moving a lot? I hate anyone keeps bugs me what I do and what I’m doing. I hate telling people wish to spend time with me when my schedule will be. You know why? Coz it’s so damn unpredictable! As much as I really need plan to set up it won’t works accord to any project related but to see where your target achieved Still, I can’t think the same way about my partner. I want to know and got progress as often as I can get him to report me. I wish he got more fixed schedule. Keep telling him to set his plan so I can see where we progressing so far, but in the sense we both know it just a silly thing to predict! Anyways, in this point I do salute him coz he keep inform me when and where he is, dat one was the hardest thing I got form my previous relationship. Besides, it dint bother me a lot coz I really into the condition, can’t complain much, by feeling and logic myself , I shouldn’t complain, its disgust me if I do!
When you spend the after working hour to get drunk and release all files and folders in your head, you just receive the invitation call, even you don’t like the person, knew it won’t be dat fun to stay with them, still you go, instead being alone. And he still doing the same thing, but you cant anymore, coz those things started not worth for you since you know the only things release your work pressured is being with your partner.
When your mobile phone keep receiving sms and you have this pleasure text-ing any one to get ride your boredom, thou you just being responsive, nothing there. And he still doing the same thing but you can’t since you know no use to reply back if it’s not from your love one. Still you feel unfair if he dint reply, even just for formality. Hiks…
When you kinda sick males around u keep trying to get in touch with you but you so damn busy and you know how it feel being nagg when you are and you got so depressed for it. Last thing you need to hear from someone is how much he misses you, how much he wants to talk with you, how much he been looking forward to hear anything from you. Its not you don’t want to response but you just busy. You know your man in the condition, means you have to hold your emotion to keep escalating him every time, you don’t want him to get rid of you coz your stupid sissy attitude, keeps thirsty for attention. But again, every time you hold back the feeling, you got so pissed for yourself being so damn weak hunger for him.

The worst part is trust.
Your man told you, you should trust him, and you said you will. You start to stop giving response for all the attention given to you coz you want to proved the trust you can show to yourself in the way your man will see how devoted you are to him. And he told you, he does the same thing to. But the fact; you keep wondering with whom he is and what he does with her. And the bad part is when you think of it, you regret to reject all those flirts on you and wish to have them back. But you donno on what line your man just being ‘friendly’ nor really responding any women come to him. Means, you donno also how to cross your own limit of being ‘friendly’ tooo. Is sleeping with other women worth for a dinner with other man, or you should sleep with him also when you find out he been letting him self spending time with other women for couples of dinner? You are bargaining with your self from your man situation. Both emotion and logic.

All im saying is this is the worst part of being too smart to know how your man are but damn stupid to understand how you supposed to be.
I wish I’m just an innocent gurl who he can understand how I was so jealous founding a women hair on his bed.
I wish I’m just a frustrated lady who he gave his attention when I was being hysterical left by my ‘master’.
I wish I’m a best friend who got his cares of having pathetic pimples who keep bugging my face.
I wish I’m a broken hearted friend who to get his mercy by international phone call when I’m drunk after I broke up.
BUT IM NOT! AND I CAN’T! FOR SAKE my brain keeps telling me how stupid I am if I being like that.
I can’t be jealous even my man dump me every nite for a single thing call daily call for a month! You know why? Coz he think I’m not that innocent, can't be brake just coz of it.
I can be hot headed, not yet hysterical, but he dint talked to me when I was, instead telling me he was planning to ‘get rid of me’. You know why? Coz he thinks how the hell I can let my stupidity of takin what worth to fight and what is not. Willing to let our relationship over nothing! Coz he know I’ll be smart enough not to put a married rich guy as a big something which reasonable enough for him.
My legs been killing me and it should get a physiotherapy. I dint get any response but ‘feel better…’message, which I was doubt it was supposed to be for me. You know why? Coz he think I’m such strong women. Come on, I’m a typical outdoor geek. He won’t think ill be that silly to kill my pain with more painful way like breaking it with tonz of hiking so I will lost it completely instead of keep giving me this burns. Which I keep thinking it’s the best way to do it since I’m so frustrated realizing I might be unable to DANCE without pain anymore, it juts not fair getting a pimple an attention! Thou I was kinda bothered, I miss an attention from Orange when I had womb problems of water pressured due to scuba dive. He was so intentionally focused on that. I even miss the arguments and fights of the medical record I should send to his hospital. I miss the unexpected call when I was in the hospital for a bike accident thou I haven’t told anyone plus we had lost news for each other in months. Somehow in someway, Orange always caught me in the right time, at the most critical condition I had.
I told the story about my womb to my man on chat and how he replied?....“brb”….
Sometimes I think as far as the ‘strong Nancy’s health’ to be concern, he will only count a lung cancer should be worth to pay. Which he already aware before it happen, he told me, he don’t feel want to be there when it come that’s why he forced me to work to avoid it as hard as I can.
But again, I can’t be so annoying telling him my physical condition, I doubt even I lost 20 kgs he would think it just my stupidity getting it even if its really because a medical condition problem, not emotional of missing him for 7 weeks!
I’m so drunk seeing I see I let my self lost my pride front of my eyes watching him trying to win a bet to get a girl go home with him. I dint get a caring phone call. All I got was, yelled, scream and worst, he wanted to send me back home without him. You know why? Coz he think I’m so pathetic of being upset loosing the bet thou I got like 5 or 6 cute males playing pool and laugh with me and one DOM asking me to go home with him (must be big pay if I wanted to uh?) It broke my heart in coz even under conscious I let the chances goes just for him but he ask me to wait outside for couple of minutes so he can spend a little time to excuse him self to the only one girl flirted him. He wins the bet at that time, and he wins the bet of breaking my heart in the same time also. Wish I wasn’t drunk, and fool my self front of her, made him see how cruel he treated me like that. I wish I wasn’t drunk, had my mind clear and dint need his help to go home and got the guts went back with any man I was with. Wish I wasn’t drunk…wont need an attention that bad thou he broke my heart, I had the braveness to leave him. Honestly, even I will get a full caring international phone call from him when I got drunk coz broken hearted from my man, wish I wasn’t drunk…
But I can’t do that, he thinks I’m not supposed to do that. Coz I’m the controller, able to control my emotion in any condition, conscious and not. Feels like telling myself: “yeah…I’m such full control…”

I bet you’re telling me I got so many demand and expectation. Im just a smart ass for observing our condition to compare his attitude in logic and reasonable way. Yeah right, I’m just too smart in takin hypothesis and putting the right analogy to beat someone. But can’t anyone see it’s all a matter of feeling? Thou I know I’m too smart to get such weak response call feeling and been too an experienced lady to get small matters like that. I’m still a creature called human being which he told me the one he love. Tell me if I’m such ass hole not getting the attitude I expected from him in both logic and emotion way? But somehow, sometimes, its kinda silly tooo for me, being desperately need him to do something for me, telling my self I’m over exaggerate my expectation from him as my man.
But again, no matter how strong the diamond ball she is, when it come to a feeling, I can’t beat it. His should know where he stands as my man, not my colleagues, my friend nor my Boyfriend. I want a man and hey! Be a man! My man! He should be.
If this things keeps goin and I don’t feel comfortable about it, it’s not that his not worth to fight for, but I need both side to fight what worth and not. If I keep feel he dint fight me as I think I’m worth for, surely I don’t feel comfortable with the condition, and its not healthy anywhere I see it.
But I still love him, as long I still, I will hold this possessiveness as hard as I can, thou its not logic for me anymore. May lord give me long term patient for such hold I have right now.
Again, pain teach you lots of things, still no body want to keep getting hurt.
Love my self then can love other, if I love someone over me, I should get the return in the same way, but for now…somehow, when I think of what I will get from him which he cant answer where this relationship leads, I know his not worth it.

Smart enough to be cool
Nancy * "Not A Baby"

I Got An Issue

You dunno how I feel when I write this. All so mixed up. I can tell if I feel so embarrassed, humiliated, angry or even amazed, but what I feel right now it’s the combination of all which leads me love him more.

First value I learn from him was how to seek fun in your work. Enjoying it is the only way to get into the job. I appreciate it a lot since he proved it, where I can see his dedication to his work. I really appreciate the idea, just appreciate it..,dats all.
But last night he taught me something really valuable lesson. All about the solid me……about…

WHATS WORTH TO FIGHT FOR AND WHATS NOT!
I got pissed a lot challenged by a girl who think I tried to get into her way to hook up with him. Get real, I HAVE HIM! He agreed it wasn’t a jealousy at all but I felt someone tried to mess around my pride. I told him, his not worth to fight for, but it was worth a lot for me to kick her ass for takin me as such disturbance between them.

I got pissed a lot when a guy on the street yelled at my name as Im whore one time, and I walked towards him and tried to get a fight with him. I dun take the insultment since I am not that kinda girl. At least he notice I do got the guts to warn anyone who try to mess up with me.

I got pissed a lot when one of the manager with immature way tried to get my fault with a very childish reasons. I told him I should use his way to get the manager ass off because I was so burned by his attitude, I just cant take the insult for such thing he complain about me. Just not fair!

The way he deal with me was, he told me:
You got an issue about it!
As I am, still using the same way, by gets flame in a second, I was surely got into a huge quarrel with him. I wasn’t able to control myself, wish to knock his eye out!
He said he wanted to tell me to get the hell out of him. I was shocked both....1st. for the idea from how the hell he can think of it since the 1^st place and 2nd shocked that...'he dint do that'
Felt challenge and act “TRY ME!”

But...He dint influenced by me.

...With feeling upset, he told me how pathetic my way of thinking and worries about how we both gonna carry on for our future togetherness.
...With his high tense, he claimed I was being so immature; I need to grow up coz he damn care about what would happen to me if I keep the act.
...With his logical way, he put aside his feeling if he eventually looses me, he was ready to accept it. He told me there’s bigger and more deal to argue about for us to be concern and he wont waste his time to pay attention on me in such stupid argument I will keep carry on.
...With huge disappointment on me, feeling low for loosing his admiration about me, he told me it wasn’t about I don’t trust him; I just have the sick sense of over self respect. And I should change, or he will just give me his pity.
...With his anger, he was trying to clear me that he damned pissed for things I think he did but actually dint. He ORDER me I should sets priority, start to take what worth to deal with and not.
SUCH SELF CONTROL from my MAN….
....
I was silence, freeze, I threw tons of argument, even when he judge how stubborn I am. But my mind, my heart, my logic, my feeling, ALL SENSE I GOT: STUNNED. I got no objection but knowing he was one hundred percent correct! I made a mistake and I admitted, I run towards him, hugged him, dun give a damn when felt his cold response for few moments, I don’t care! That was 1^st time I ever do to a man, I don’t care if he even kicked my ass off him, he was cold but that was just a small risk, I even felt I deserved dump away. At least I did my part: ADMIT IT even I can’t exaggerate it a lot coz I dint have anything but ADMIT IT. I run and hugged him.

I guess I’m not worth to fight for coz it just me don’t know what worth to fight for and not.
All this time I’m with him, I doubt a lot about him, most: will he able to be my leader?
Right now when I write this; when I remember the frame last night....I wanna cry, not because I regret after I realized I was wrong. But for the control he got over himself for me.

I am suck now, more of a jerk then him, but at least I know that, I admit; tough one was to admit it.
I know now, even Bil is not worth to fight for, he got nothing in him that I should proved I am the right women for him. I will just gonna waste my effort.

Now, I really don’t want to loose him, I know no one else deserved to me my leader.
My man, his not only worth to fight for, but to keep also, worth to sacrifice whatever he need me to do. He will appreciate what I do for him since he shows me how I wasn’t able to appreciate myself in important terms in my life. If he able to pay attention on me into that deep, I shouldn’t worry to prove him I do deserve to be love by him, I do deserve to have chance to be with him, I do deserve to be his queen not only the trophy, most: I do deserve to fall in love to him….
Don’t care what he thinks about me, if he change his feeling already, be and not being with him, I feel respectful, he taught me a good lesson.

….Amazed by you….
Hope you feel it….you may break me a part now….I don’t want it… but I can understand, have to!
More I respect him
...I love him...more...

Your baby…
Wednesday, May 17, 2006

DOUBT!

Talking get to know each other right?...Hm….The list goes exactly right in order from the most I can’t handle to the easiest I might able to deal with.

WHERE THE HELL ARE WE GOING?
Avoiding
The one line about “where you will lead this to…?” Do you know?....
I had lots of unpleasant dreams about it. He walked out off me thou I asked him to stay. He just didn’t.
He shows confidence as he is such full of himself. I keep draggin him to that point with my uncertain reason.
But all those on the surface only…I know…we are always act opposite of what we are.
From my side I got no doubt since it won’t take too much effort for any plan we will implement. I just don’t see the reason why we can’t discuss about it when we talk almost everything but that one. Instead, he grabbed the chance of fail as reason to avoid it. Isn’t dat ????????

Work on it
Tell me if I become so demanding, I don’t give a shit about it. A man got to do what a man got to do, right?
Still…we agree in one point thou, either this will work or not, we will try…
My problem is : How to try on it…
His problem is : He dunno what to try on…
Like deciding either chicken first or an egg!
Will it path us to anything?
Don’t think so.

Bond
I feel kinda awkward, coz this is the 1^st time I DON’T FEEL LIKE avoiding to get any bond from anyone. Its not I wanna be free, I just can’t bare the commitment, although I may proud of myself that I am devoted.
I keep thinking what if someday things not running well? I must keep compromise to my partner for the rest of our togetherness in life, means I must stay stuck in the circle just for a thing call commitment. I dunno if I can do that to one man for the rest of my life.
With him, I can sense how eager I am, I can speak out loud that I need bond. I need to feel secure, of whatever he does whenever he will be.
Strange, coz I know that’s the only way he will be mine coz his gna be a great LONG TERM PARTNER I can have. Strange coz somehow I know him, if he let time decide, he will let himself goes with time. Somebody got to stop his adventure.
I just don’t want to feel loosing anyone anymore. If there’s a commitment and bond between us, his belong to me and I am too. No way I’m gna loose someone again just because distance, time different and all those stuff. Specially him. The only reason why I am so sure about it is because we are just too similar? That’s how I will keep me if I’m him.
That’s the only way. It’s like…have him for rest of your life, or I must be strong coz we gna a part not very long.

Guts
When he told me to get into the process first and see what happened, I was instantly backed out from the idea, disappointed a lot. I’m falling apart when I realized, he decide to let the time decide…
I keep telling him, I’m tired, either I prefer just to play or I really need to get serious with this one. See, I don’t even know is it I’m just fed up being single in this age or I really need to see his hair turn grey?
I want him to take a realistic move instead of keep learning his own feeling. Why waste lots of time for your last relationship but ended being apart jst you wanna see things more clearly? We both had that in the past; I just don’t think it will work anymore. I wont let him go even I know I have to compromise a lot with him, the only way to do so is not letting time to decide, but use time only to give us space. If things in the middle of our way not working, time will only give more and more space to keep working on it. No way to escape which usually leads to a part.

About him, I can see my self playing one time game to end. All I’m expecting he set up plan for us in a short term time. If afterwards he wants to go, to play around, to do whatever he likes, I got no issues, that will be his own game, but my game is over…end with him. No matter how he is and he will be. I got the guts…for good and bad time….
But he said: he still decides to let time lead….. (Sigh)
What I see right now is just a Different Style of a coward…
Excuse, excuse, too many excuse.

WHAT THE F**K YOU TAKE OFF MY PRIDE!

Daily Call. Excuse for takin my pride.
Excuse for breaking up someone heart, beat it! Still unacceptable if you will get bother by 20 ring tone coz the cost of 20 minute late of daily call, you can just pick an R&B or Hip-Hop tone then! I’ll dance for YA!
All men let himself lead by his women when he loves them. In other say: actually MAN CONTROL when they LET the women control them like: “DAILY CALL...IS A MUST” The truth, I got nothing to against it coz I call it love…
But what happen soon he decides to someone else? What my Orange did: he dint leave her, he understand his was wrong, come on, he was cheating. But one he sure of was, purely he wanted me whose the one to be in control for him, that was why he took the role told her, when and how to get in touch with him, unfortunately it was exactly the he did to me few months we a parted L. At that time, Orange manage to forced her to understand that she got no option but agree about keeping the communication (well he served with bunch of lies how busy he was) but he sure her that he will get rid of her out of his ‘ears’ and ‘text’ if she complained, coz thou his wrong, nothing can against his feeling. Unfortunately when she did understand her post, I knew my chance also same with her, coz such ‘foolish’-understanding’ lady she was. That one I had was a real fight! Even for three of us. Coz again, each of us agrees, we all did our part, to hang on stand and to seduce just to keep the relationship goes. And at that moment, really time lead.

Thousand SMS, I was ok with it till the news came: Well, as smart I’ am; I got my answer as quick as a snap: if she suicide coz feeling pissed, I wont still think it be my luck to have him for me, it be just coz another stupid bitch death shows. When My Orange fiancée on the hospital what he did what waited for her there till she awake just wanted to tell her how could she did that to him, making him as criminal instead of victim. If someone trying mess me around to put me as criminal here, I’m sure gnna kick her ass off! I dun care about who ever the man that cost her like that! Beside, dudes, you are not worth for such defense from me.

D picture, she won’t see either you still put her picture on ur mobile or not, for cryin out loud, she’s miles away! If you are me, wont u thinks, it’s just an escape of missing ness? What is it? Want to say: “Hey world I got unattractive girl (as I admitted) picture within my mobile when a hot girl here slipin’ her hand behind my back pocket pants” Yeah, do dat, forget I got a pride! Like I do care uh? Well I don’t, but SO DO YOU!
Ok, about keeping picture, I do dat a lot, if I see him as me. I NEED to see ‘My Orange’ picture everyday if possible, coz I miss him. As he ADVICED: “dats how to loose the feeling: Stop looking at the picture!” ...Hey I did my part!

What I’m saying is : If my Orange is not My-Ex, who ever he is, but if he was able to control his women, how come you can’t? If you cant now, how you gonna lead me then?
The fact that eventually Orange didn’t keep me or her with him, but one for sure, he keeps my pride there, coz he probably know as far as how devoted I am for a feeling concern, the only thing I got left; It’s all about MY PRIDE…

WHY FOR SAKE YOU INSULT ME!
Try me! Chalange Me!
As we both agree, learn from his experience, he surely can’t bare to ‘hold’ himself wherever he is. Even he planned not to when he arrived here, well, obviously he dint make it when we had the first quarrel at the bar. Its not I can’t understand that, but I’m trying to figure out who am I when his telling me, “he was three days here with her, a week there with someone else” its really putting me as one dot of his line configuration, I am a ‘her’ and be at ‘here’ also, who ever am I and whenever I am. Coz so far among all, I only see her that he stands on in a quite stable connection…a real daily connection, but she wasn’t me at all, not me (yet or ever, probably) And I’m sorry to say, I got no challenge to do d same thing, its not I’m stupid loyal gurl nor I don’t like people sees me I am gooddamn gorgeous surrounded by men, coz he knows I am and I can, its…just like I said; I just got my pride! ..but don’t try me….

Flirting. Not only because I’m used hangs around males’ dat make me enjoy a ‘beautiful view’, if it is nice to see, I just feel to comment about it. When you think you can get ‘one’ while I’m around, even you don’t really think about it, it was just a jokes for you, it really suck for me. I mean, what the hell you want? I gave my license ain’t I? Sometimes I just don’t get the idea why he brag about it so bad? Sud open his eyes that whenever he tell me he thinks someone flirt on him or he know he surely will get anyone he wants to flirt to, he making his pride lower then what he got left.
But well…if he wants to get the show of having
‘fifty cent’ chick here…
and ‘fifty cents’ chick there…
while keeping ‘One Dollar ‘Innocent’ girl’ picture in his mobile
and spend all the rest his time and money to a Bar full of chicks…
He IS THE MAN!
But if he still his hoping nice comfortable nights with a ‘smart-intelligent women’ without a dime …
I don’t need me told him: HEY! BE A MAN!
But sorry I’m not the WOMEN! At least don’t make me feel like one!

Nasty teased. I agree his d only one I feel comfortable to do ‘his style’ to. But if he keeps asking ‘that’ and keep slips the teased almost all the time, actually its his ‘way to encourage me’ that disgust me. I asked couple of times; is it because ‘Im Hot’? Most of the time I’m just confirm my self that is just a matter of culture. I don’t say I’m such decent girl but I do have my limit for things I call politely to say and not. But still can’t bare treat as porn star instead a complement. Not only that, I feel like saying…If he keep treated me like a bitch, his the dumbest bastard a whore wont even serve!

Whuff!!!
What a release….

Written May 13, 2006