LOGICAL ATTENTION OF AN ATTITUDE

Haven’t got any news from him for days. No response thou I tried to send few texts and calls. Can’t blame thou, his busy and had his bday party, drunks all nite long must be into the whole schedule. I know, if I’m him, I would.

For me this is still pathetic. I hate having this thing back. Keep asking myself why the hell I’m drawn into this kind of relationship again. You know….

When your man so damn workaholic like you used to be when you haven’t meet him. And he stayed that way but you couldn’t coz you got him in your brain most of the time.
When you don’t want anyone to get worries wherever you assign for work and moving a lot? I hate anyone keeps bugs me what I do and what I’m doing. I hate telling people wish to spend time with me when my schedule will be. You know why? Coz it’s so damn unpredictable! As much as I really need plan to set up it won’t works accord to any project related but to see where your target achieved Still, I can’t think the same way about my partner. I want to know and got progress as often as I can get him to report me. I wish he got more fixed schedule. Keep telling him to set his plan so I can see where we progressing so far, but in the sense we both know it just a silly thing to predict! Anyways, in this point I do salute him coz he keep inform me when and where he is, dat one was the hardest thing I got form my previous relationship. Besides, it dint bother me a lot coz I really into the condition, can’t complain much, by feeling and logic myself , I shouldn’t complain, its disgust me if I do!
When you spend the after working hour to get drunk and release all files and folders in your head, you just receive the invitation call, even you don’t like the person, knew it won’t be dat fun to stay with them, still you go, instead being alone. And he still doing the same thing, but you cant anymore, coz those things started not worth for you since you know the only things release your work pressured is being with your partner.
When your mobile phone keep receiving sms and you have this pleasure text-ing any one to get ride your boredom, thou you just being responsive, nothing there. And he still doing the same thing but you can’t since you know no use to reply back if it’s not from your love one. Still you feel unfair if he dint reply, even just for formality. Hiks…
When you kinda sick males around u keep trying to get in touch with you but you so damn busy and you know how it feel being nagg when you are and you got so depressed for it. Last thing you need to hear from someone is how much he misses you, how much he wants to talk with you, how much he been looking forward to hear anything from you. Its not you don’t want to response but you just busy. You know your man in the condition, means you have to hold your emotion to keep escalating him every time, you don’t want him to get rid of you coz your stupid sissy attitude, keeps thirsty for attention. But again, every time you hold back the feeling, you got so pissed for yourself being so damn weak hunger for him.

The worst part is trust.
Your man told you, you should trust him, and you said you will. You start to stop giving response for all the attention given to you coz you want to proved the trust you can show to yourself in the way your man will see how devoted you are to him. And he told you, he does the same thing to. But the fact; you keep wondering with whom he is and what he does with her. And the bad part is when you think of it, you regret to reject all those flirts on you and wish to have them back. But you donno on what line your man just being ‘friendly’ nor really responding any women come to him. Means, you donno also how to cross your own limit of being ‘friendly’ tooo. Is sleeping with other women worth for a dinner with other man, or you should sleep with him also when you find out he been letting him self spending time with other women for couples of dinner? You are bargaining with your self from your man situation. Both emotion and logic.

All im saying is this is the worst part of being too smart to know how your man are but damn stupid to understand how you supposed to be.
I wish I’m just an innocent gurl who he can understand how I was so jealous founding a women hair on his bed.
I wish I’m just a frustrated lady who he gave his attention when I was being hysterical left by my ‘master’.
I wish I’m a best friend who got his cares of having pathetic pimples who keep bugging my face.
I wish I’m a broken hearted friend who to get his mercy by international phone call when I’m drunk after I broke up.
BUT IM NOT! AND I CAN’T! FOR SAKE my brain keeps telling me how stupid I am if I being like that.
I can’t be jealous even my man dump me every nite for a single thing call daily call for a month! You know why? Coz he think I’m not that innocent, can't be brake just coz of it.
I can be hot headed, not yet hysterical, but he dint talked to me when I was, instead telling me he was planning to ‘get rid of me’. You know why? Coz he thinks how the hell I can let my stupidity of takin what worth to fight and what is not. Willing to let our relationship over nothing! Coz he know I’ll be smart enough not to put a married rich guy as a big something which reasonable enough for him.
My legs been killing me and it should get a physiotherapy. I dint get any response but ‘feel better…’message, which I was doubt it was supposed to be for me. You know why? Coz he think I’m such strong women. Come on, I’m a typical outdoor geek. He won’t think ill be that silly to kill my pain with more painful way like breaking it with tonz of hiking so I will lost it completely instead of keep giving me this burns. Which I keep thinking it’s the best way to do it since I’m so frustrated realizing I might be unable to DANCE without pain anymore, it juts not fair getting a pimple an attention! Thou I was kinda bothered, I miss an attention from Orange when I had womb problems of water pressured due to scuba dive. He was so intentionally focused on that. I even miss the arguments and fights of the medical record I should send to his hospital. I miss the unexpected call when I was in the hospital for a bike accident thou I haven’t told anyone plus we had lost news for each other in months. Somehow in someway, Orange always caught me in the right time, at the most critical condition I had.
I told the story about my womb to my man on chat and how he replied?....“brb”….
Sometimes I think as far as the ‘strong Nancy’s health’ to be concern, he will only count a lung cancer should be worth to pay. Which he already aware before it happen, he told me, he don’t feel want to be there when it come that’s why he forced me to work to avoid it as hard as I can.
But again, I can’t be so annoying telling him my physical condition, I doubt even I lost 20 kgs he would think it just my stupidity getting it even if its really because a medical condition problem, not emotional of missing him for 7 weeks!
I’m so drunk seeing I see I let my self lost my pride front of my eyes watching him trying to win a bet to get a girl go home with him. I dint get a caring phone call. All I got was, yelled, scream and worst, he wanted to send me back home without him. You know why? Coz he think I’m so pathetic of being upset loosing the bet thou I got like 5 or 6 cute males playing pool and laugh with me and one DOM asking me to go home with him (must be big pay if I wanted to uh?) It broke my heart in coz even under conscious I let the chances goes just for him but he ask me to wait outside for couple of minutes so he can spend a little time to excuse him self to the only one girl flirted him. He wins the bet at that time, and he wins the bet of breaking my heart in the same time also. Wish I wasn’t drunk, and fool my self front of her, made him see how cruel he treated me like that. I wish I wasn’t drunk, had my mind clear and dint need his help to go home and got the guts went back with any man I was with. Wish I wasn’t drunk…wont need an attention that bad thou he broke my heart, I had the braveness to leave him. Honestly, even I will get a full caring international phone call from him when I got drunk coz broken hearted from my man, wish I wasn’t drunk…
But I can’t do that, he thinks I’m not supposed to do that. Coz I’m the controller, able to control my emotion in any condition, conscious and not. Feels like telling myself: “yeah…I’m such full control…”

I bet you’re telling me I got so many demand and expectation. Im just a smart ass for observing our condition to compare his attitude in logic and reasonable way. Yeah right, I’m just too smart in takin hypothesis and putting the right analogy to beat someone. But can’t anyone see it’s all a matter of feeling? Thou I know I’m too smart to get such weak response call feeling and been too an experienced lady to get small matters like that. I’m still a creature called human being which he told me the one he love. Tell me if I’m such ass hole not getting the attitude I expected from him in both logic and emotion way? But somehow, sometimes, its kinda silly tooo for me, being desperately need him to do something for me, telling my self I’m over exaggerate my expectation from him as my man.
But again, no matter how strong the diamond ball she is, when it come to a feeling, I can’t beat it. His should know where he stands as my man, not my colleagues, my friend nor my Boyfriend. I want a man and hey! Be a man! My man! He should be.
If this things keeps goin and I don’t feel comfortable about it, it’s not that his not worth to fight for, but I need both side to fight what worth and not. If I keep feel he dint fight me as I think I’m worth for, surely I don’t feel comfortable with the condition, and its not healthy anywhere I see it.
But I still love him, as long I still, I will hold this possessiveness as hard as I can, thou its not logic for me anymore. May lord give me long term patient for such hold I have right now.
Again, pain teach you lots of things, still no body want to keep getting hurt.
Love my self then can love other, if I love someone over me, I should get the return in the same way, but for now…somehow, when I think of what I will get from him which he cant answer where this relationship leads, I know his not worth it.

Smart enough to be cool
Nancy * "Not A Baby"