I Got An Issue

You dunno how I feel when I write this. All so mixed up. I can tell if I feel so embarrassed, humiliated, angry or even amazed, but what I feel right now it’s the combination of all which leads me love him more.

First value I learn from him was how to seek fun in your work. Enjoying it is the only way to get into the job. I appreciate it a lot since he proved it, where I can see his dedication to his work. I really appreciate the idea, just appreciate it..,dats all.
But last night he taught me something really valuable lesson. All about the solid me……about…

WHATS WORTH TO FIGHT FOR AND WHATS NOT!
I got pissed a lot challenged by a girl who think I tried to get into her way to hook up with him. Get real, I HAVE HIM! He agreed it wasn’t a jealousy at all but I felt someone tried to mess around my pride. I told him, his not worth to fight for, but it was worth a lot for me to kick her ass for takin me as such disturbance between them.

I got pissed a lot when a guy on the street yelled at my name as Im whore one time, and I walked towards him and tried to get a fight with him. I dun take the insultment since I am not that kinda girl. At least he notice I do got the guts to warn anyone who try to mess up with me.

I got pissed a lot when one of the manager with immature way tried to get my fault with a very childish reasons. I told him I should use his way to get the manager ass off because I was so burned by his attitude, I just cant take the insult for such thing he complain about me. Just not fair!

The way he deal with me was, he told me:
You got an issue about it!
As I am, still using the same way, by gets flame in a second, I was surely got into a huge quarrel with him. I wasn’t able to control myself, wish to knock his eye out!
He said he wanted to tell me to get the hell out of him. I was shocked both....1st. for the idea from how the hell he can think of it since the 1^st place and 2nd shocked that...'he dint do that'
Felt challenge and act “TRY ME!”

But...He dint influenced by me.

...With feeling upset, he told me how pathetic my way of thinking and worries about how we both gonna carry on for our future togetherness.
...With his high tense, he claimed I was being so immature; I need to grow up coz he damn care about what would happen to me if I keep the act.
...With his logical way, he put aside his feeling if he eventually looses me, he was ready to accept it. He told me there’s bigger and more deal to argue about for us to be concern and he wont waste his time to pay attention on me in such stupid argument I will keep carry on.
...With huge disappointment on me, feeling low for loosing his admiration about me, he told me it wasn’t about I don’t trust him; I just have the sick sense of over self respect. And I should change, or he will just give me his pity.
...With his anger, he was trying to clear me that he damned pissed for things I think he did but actually dint. He ORDER me I should sets priority, start to take what worth to deal with and not.
SUCH SELF CONTROL from my MAN….
....
I was silence, freeze, I threw tons of argument, even when he judge how stubborn I am. But my mind, my heart, my logic, my feeling, ALL SENSE I GOT: STUNNED. I got no objection but knowing he was one hundred percent correct! I made a mistake and I admitted, I run towards him, hugged him, dun give a damn when felt his cold response for few moments, I don’t care! That was 1^st time I ever do to a man, I don’t care if he even kicked my ass off him, he was cold but that was just a small risk, I even felt I deserved dump away. At least I did my part: ADMIT IT even I can’t exaggerate it a lot coz I dint have anything but ADMIT IT. I run and hugged him.

I guess I’m not worth to fight for coz it just me don’t know what worth to fight for and not.
All this time I’m with him, I doubt a lot about him, most: will he able to be my leader?
Right now when I write this; when I remember the frame last night....I wanna cry, not because I regret after I realized I was wrong. But for the control he got over himself for me.

I am suck now, more of a jerk then him, but at least I know that, I admit; tough one was to admit it.
I know now, even Bil is not worth to fight for, he got nothing in him that I should proved I am the right women for him. I will just gonna waste my effort.

Now, I really don’t want to loose him, I know no one else deserved to me my leader.
My man, his not only worth to fight for, but to keep also, worth to sacrifice whatever he need me to do. He will appreciate what I do for him since he shows me how I wasn’t able to appreciate myself in important terms in my life. If he able to pay attention on me into that deep, I shouldn’t worry to prove him I do deserve to be love by him, I do deserve to have chance to be with him, I do deserve to be his queen not only the trophy, most: I do deserve to fall in love to him….
Don’t care what he thinks about me, if he change his feeling already, be and not being with him, I feel respectful, he taught me a good lesson.

….Amazed by you….
Hope you feel it….you may break me a part now….I don’t want it… but I can understand, have to!
More I respect him
...I love him...more...

Your baby…
Wednesday, May 17, 2006