Loosing a battle without fighting

Dear love,

Who am I wasn’t there when you had the biggest problems in your life coz of time frame when haven’t meet and distance a part?
Who am I able to dictate you to whom you should be with when we, you and me were realizing we were fallin into each other over someone belonging?
Who am I dare to told you how all your girls using you when myself is so hot tempered and we realized its all the culture difference?
Who am I telling expecting you to be a leader when I carry all this baggage within me, the baggage of my black passed that you also had and baggage of my two responsibilities?
Who am I disappointed at your decision when I wasn’t able to win you with tonz of act of being hysterical, passed out or anything but I bugged you with tonz of logic and analogy of how we ganna built a mature our relationship in such discussion?

I am no one who can help you since I don’t have any help to offer you on your pass. Im helpless, I lost the time frames but who can deny the destiny if I wasn’t there and gave you the sweet care tender hand I used to give you after we meet.
I am just a visitor in the middle of your set status who wants to make you feel comfortable as hard as I can. I wasn’t able to show you how to win you but to let yourself see what you want without feeling just a sympathy and pity or thankful.
I am nothing but a women who try to seek cuddling touches from a loving hand partner of yours....not a rich guy who can support me, not just a nice conversation or a business partner, i dont even expect a full caring boyfriend or cool collagues. Im that flammable, to everything, include how we started our nighte which made me dare to jump on you and made us enjoyed the evening... I know its hard thing to deal with my stubonrness, as hot headed like you call it, thou you were able to accept the 1st time we had our long passionate night, and able to understand me when I was so damn stupid not knowing what’s worth to fight and not.
I’m just a single fighter who’s so afraid to have someone left me since I had it over and over again. I keep carried all those wound coz I’m such serious one when it relates to relationship. Wish I can just play around but my heart keeps telling me different way. I do accept I am and BEEN RESPONSIBLE OF ALL MY FAILURE. I been doing it all my life, for all my princess life and to my professional life. One I faith on is only trying my best for putting my best effort for any obstacle comes. Be a fighter is more valuable even you are a looser.

Maybe you are right when you told me, you wanted an experience women.
Maybe you believed I will be such perfect partner when we discussed about your calculation of your family relationship.
Maybe you were positive when in smart and full of plans we talked that we can work on things for our future.
um...I cant think of anything else of what made me worth to fight for, even just a 'maybe'...

But what I had now but the world dumps all my spirit, soul, dreams in a second when the most important thing lost…
When you said…
“Maybe I was wrong to fall in love to you….”

I wish I can cry out loud so you can see my tears.
But it will be more helpful if you are able to discuss how we gonna work on our problems, yours and mine.
I wish I can just passed out so you can Cleary know how suffer I am.
But it will be more bless if you are able to see this wound in my heart without seeing how painful my expression are when you backing out your feeling on me.
I wish I can scream and hysterical and being so irritating (like I did when we chat) so you will know how hard I have to take back my sacrifice of slicing my heart just to win you heart, in weeks after weeks when we were together before you left.
But it will be a reward winning if you had your thought to sees what and how far we were spending the moment in exactly we wanted all this time, a real companionship, partnership. Just see it, my love, put your glance back, in one single second between your tight problems and schedule.
I wish I can just suicide so you will see how I lost my solitude when you light up dreams and burned it in a second soon you came back.
But it will be a just fantasy, if I can have you with me when u lost yourself, and I will definately own you but just your attitude. Like holding a stone, a dead heart in my hand…You dead, I’m dead, we killed our self, what worth to live…even in fantasy that we are ok.

Thou I know I should worth for touches, worth for attention, worth for a thought, worth for a DISCUSSION...
...which you spreads to all those women you really care of as such nice guy you are
But somehow…in this small brain of this stupid helpless unworthed women,I think i should demand a chance of a time from you....
I cant stop asking myself :"Do you know how it feel when you lose?"
Coz...
I know…
I lose…
Without a fight at all….

Poor us
Me…