Finish what was leaving behind…

Called him and once he turns off the tone then pick it up. Can’t figure out what’s the reason. It was great to hear his voice again…I mean the feeling I have. I dunno about him. One important things is ’ Took lots of courage to call him’. The result? Im just happy I can hear his voice again and he told me he loves me and also miss me, neither fake nor real…

Seems everything going well? I dunno…I begin to see our old time pictures again...
Somehow I dunno know who he is now…I just thought we need to introduce our self again…All I know we spoke about the visit planning in the same rhythm…Rhythm full of Plans, Progress, and Updates…?

Ha ha ha…that’s just us when we think of traveling…always serious in plan and organizing it, even all will come up with mess? Um...I don’t remember when was all the plan for the traveling we had did not came with mess, he he he. Anyway, Its gonna be a traveling visit as we consider…well as I consider but somehow he might think I expect more than just a visit…

I might wrong but I catch his idea that…
‘He plans my visit will be just a visit…’
Never mind…
We will see where it will lead us to…
We will see…

I wonder why it’s hard for us to talk about the feeling frankly…
I did tried couple times…but seems difficult for him and made me back out also…And every time we talk on the phone, when me or him tried to spent words of missing ness…don’t care who came up with the sentences first…. the gap there…And that gap still there on the phone...played with dodge one each other…always like that…

But somehow, in SMS, mails and the poems he sent me, all in text words, he showed his loving feelings so clear and honest…
Such a writer man I have…
We didn’t pour all the feeling when we together then the loving words came after apart… Silly us ya? I dunno until when we pretend everything gonna be alright…
But I’m glad coz in someway…it leads us to be cool, and support each other so we can beat this painful distance. Well…at least it supports me to beat it.

Damn you ‘DISTANCE’!!! AAAA (Scream)
I even hate anyone who creates that word…

Who are you? Still my Orange, My Fire, My Prince or the Knight?

But as I figure out…Still there was something between us coz if not that way, we dint felt apart back then… It just…I think we already created our self into a machine to beat the memories…somehow I think he wins or he thinks I win already??? Silly…

His story showed me how cleared he is as the Solid Smoky Human Machine. Man…3 packs per day…His killing himself…Everybody telling me to quit and I considered that couples times…It dint worked out for me, but him? If he got triple then I have per day…I don’t think any one can’t stop his heart into a wide blank circle then one hole in it anymore. Wish can warn him about it but I know it wasn’t the right time…I know he will keep remain me: “Remember Nancy, No Argue…” Phew (sigh)…now I’m regret…when once, I feel lucky have a smoker man on my next pillow…

The questions not ‘where you are’ again…
But will your hands still there for me?
LIke once never let me go even when im sleeping...His touch was there. Those hand dints stopped to caress me all night long, my shoulder, and neck and touched my hair till it stayed there on my hips, every night in the same routes. He dint even let his eyes moves when I flew into the valley of sweet dream after long passionate ride we had. I know. Gosh I knew he did that but I dint open my eyes so it won’t stop. Even I fall asleep already my skin will let me know when he lift his arms from my hips. I miss into your arms.

He still my man as he told me so…
Now what else?
I just convince my self that we both know we will never have each other.

We know that from the beginning anyway…
Its hurt but I know in real common sense and full of logic that; it is the truth…
Just pray he will be alright…With what ever he does and whoever he will be…

In the case of visit now i know i just want to finish what was leave behind. The silly methods of fake loving relationship, no not that kind anymore. It will be more mature then just a friendship but not as belonging as loving couple, coz hey we know, once we love each other. It will be a desperate bonding idea but hopefully valuable one. In pain full way I just smile to have that thought.

I just have to finish what was leaving behind…In one whole complete package.

After this, I’m gonna carry on…carry on the spirit he taught before…
All the good motivations came from him…

All ON BOARD…
Apple

Written Sunday 31 july 2005

Mail For A Sincere Friend

Dear Deven...

My sadness... Is when I tried hard not to think that im treated like tea bag that someone out there I expected will turn his eyes on me again as he was before when he were down. Killing missing ness is the painful thing I have recently. It had curioucity and suspicions, it flows empty fantasy, it built stacked road in brain. Worst was even when I thought I have intelligent way of almost everything of obstacles in life, Missing ness is one I cant dare to beat. And noting can help it. Even when I tried to reach by vision of touching a single hair of him, it don't work at all. And calling never helps, not even a shadow to come over. Because seems all voice returned by hopeless wind For all those I like and dislikes......
Noting is worth of happiness then a single news of everything surrounds him is going on well. Not even jealousy can beat that great full of knowing his still alive instead lying in the hospital bed without inform me again.

My wish is too simple but my wonders catches as complex and annoying investigations. Cant find why is it so... Then when I stopped being so possessive, I started fought with my own sorrow of wonders, of missing ness again. Tried to kill it by non stop crazy work and realized its only kills me not my pain. What is my happiness....? When I want something so simple and unbound non committed feeling from someone.. Still I cant even have it by the cost of distance, by the situations of apart and conditions of hectic working days.... I don’t think I can say what will make happy anymore except giving reply answer with a questions... Do I deserve to have happiness?

About my life.... Its been 26 year old of my life and been looking around in lots of relationship journey from all kinds and nations of loveable hearts... Still I was stacked by the offered of settle down, in some offered long way from home, by good visions of great futures and life... And I was unsure.....and causes broken heart.... Now... when finally find someone out there for me... When im ready to leave all here in my own home country for him.. When I expected there will be a word of future togetherness from his lips... I was forced to be ready being apart... By work life with all its have to accomplished silly targets...with never satisfy meeting points... And by predictions of short age of a killing disease... from a stupid doctors... Till then, I never know do I deserve to have happiness. Im sorry to disappointed you with no answer of it...

Till now what I like to do.... The most is keep my mind away from painful killings. By searching lots of friendfull heart trough mails, chat and anything... just to keep myself survive to realized that im still living in this world of many ppl surrounds me...

And about heart.... All I have for truth friend is a heart with...

Warm hugs,
Nancy Margaretha

Sunday, July 31, 2005