PLAGIATOR

The clouds move on, the earth turns grey;

The happiness I felt, has quickly gone away;
The whisper of the wind, seems to call my name;
I try to respond, but it seems I'm not the same;

Time elapses slowly, into the universe;
It's definitely not a pleasure, nor is it a curse;
Nothing seems to matter, no one seems to care;
I reached out to touch you, but you're not really there;

Everything I see, and everything I feel;
Sometimes seems like a dream, where nothing there is real;
I grasp onto reality, and try to play this game;
But every single thing, always remains the same;

The mist is finally fading, the truth is here to stay;
The illusions are finally passing, the lies have gone away;
But reason cannot save me, tears will not heal;
I've giving it some time, to see what will be revealed;


No one has the answers, no one holds the key;
I’m wishing for a miracle, that you'd belong to me;
Until then, I’m lost with my solitude


(i plag it from someone who must got it from somewhere)

From "orange"
Sunday, Oct 30 2005

Comment:
The clouds have moved on...so obviously the seasons have changed...being gloomy all the time remembering the gone by happy seasons and not preparing for the coming seasons isn't wise and good for oneself only....your well-wisher...:) RAMY
Posted by: Ramesh | July 20, 2005 03:41 PM

Machine

Was looking at a broken hearted view of a young lady by his man.

I dint get any reason when i cached that tears fallen.

Did asked, then she started to tell everything. The story flows, still here in my mind. She reminds me of myself. How love can damage a human being and soul. You can’t just call it Broken Heart, its more then broken...it lost your sense of everything in your life. She had a nice character within herself before that happened, by time goes, all whoever know her can figure out theres something wrong with her. She is so visible to others and what I heard was just a teased how week she is. But still she doesn’t care. She let her self falling even deeper, with eyes begs for help and mercy.

She sees me as strong women as other people see me. Like he told me that Im his Diamond Ball. Then those opinion fall me more. Am I that strong? Or I just look strong?

Somehow I feel jealous by the neither sympathy she have, faked nor real. I want that too. At least she shares her wounds and it doesn’t infect the others in some way. But me? I keep wrote and write till I even bored reading what was written. And the fake sympathy goes from me to myself. How pathetic feeling I have.

By the time I decide to survive was trying to get myself as a machine without feeling at all.
Unfortunately even I thought it will worked, my heart fought me for honesty more. I was collapsed several times. I messed up my job. I screwed every new relationship that came to me coz selfish is the other thing that shown. Worst, I killed my self and my Maa saw that. She was so upset but speechless couse she saw me torture myself by ignoring my physical strength. I love her but she must understand me that this thing inside is something I cant share to anyone…specially anyone who knows me and him.

I nearly sleep everyday till now and lay on bed with circling eyes worries about him so much. I can’t explain thing why I can’t sleep well till I got oral warning from my manager to come early in the morning. It wasn’t coz I was wake late but I enjoy the ghosting view of those activity, the alley, our wake up time, breakfast order we waited and all those thing passed every morning on my way to work when he was here.

I’m a person with common sense but since I have him in my life...

No… not since I have him…

Since I open everything I was holding back in me to him actually…

I was so dependant on him. Like he have to be responsible knowing my past. Coz he have the complete story as none knows me in this world. Sometimes I wish his dead so I can keep my secret again with me. He was right when he describe himself that he don’t know what his doing and where his going. Im worst then that, i dont even know what I am anymore.

Again, He was right at the moment he taken back himself by running away for over a months we apart. I can see the effect that his going on with his life now. And he wins. He can manage himself to forget me by good master plan. Such a good planning man he is. He becomes stronger and my name is need less anymore.
"Whos Nancy? Never heard before..."
I should take the same step like he did to spare the wound infected me with open scares. So I will know how to heal it, so the nature will have time to think how to cure it. And he wins. And I was wasting my time by spread the pain little by little so it will find its own way to recover. What I had now is a bigger tear in my soul. Coz now when I begin to explode, no one there to help me as I was with him when he was low.

U know why it happened. Coz I’m totally bullshit. I’m a great pretender. I laugh, I scream, I make jokes, make people enjoying me so much till the throw up on me and expecting me to entertain them more. He knows me that way, and I’m sure he still remembers me as I am. He keeps telling me not to put thing behind and ignored any mistake or un comfort ness I have inside. And he was right. He told me with his nose up that if people want to see me as I’m they see me now as I am. But not me.

When I was wounded I keep thinking it will be not so mature to shown your pain as the girl I told you before. I was so scare people will saw me in such pity way. Now when I yelled back to all in this world tell them that

“Gosh im Dying in missing ness..”, then the answer was:

"You Nancy, dying? Common…"

And Im alone. Still he believes me as his Diamon Ball as everybody look me like a Super Women.

Can you blame on opinion?

Then I begin to create myself as everyone wanted to saw me as they see now.

A MACHINE

By holes within his heart he is the intelligent guy who’s able to create a machine from this willingness I give him.

Na…a…his not a murderer like he thought he was, he just the intelligent machines creator, he created a machine coz he wants everybody else under his rules as he is his own creations. Its not because his loneliness and passions of this universe, its because he keep so...many things inside his minds always. All this years in his life he knows where his gonna end up to. The predictable Journey...

Pity was he was so desperate by showing everybody that he never fears of death. But he did scare of it, then he knows...A machine just expired or you can re-built it. Then he came within an idea of smashing his heart into a machine...

Even when i was came to his life he realized its not supposed to be that way, but the distance, the time and the pain stabs him more... He built himself by keeping his mind alone and put back all his pain, sorrow, mind and thought into binary codes surrounds him. He is an engineer for lastest version of 'Human Creator' Engine.

Now he created me as his Machine.

Im gonna be a machine to my work,

Im gonna be a machine to my feeling,

A machine which erase all sense at all.

Im gonna kill and hurt myself, burn the human part of mine to be a strong and independent women like he want me too. Coz he dares to see me that way but dig me hard of my feelings. I was a machine before. At least almost. I saw myself as A walking liar everywhere I go.

Back then...I was being so truthful by his request…

But somehow…now he had forgotten me already.

So beat it. I was crush before and I should not worth to rise up again.

He created machines here…

Saturday,Oct 29, 2005

Comment:
No One is a created machine in this world...everybody lets themselves be drawn into something and one has to be strong enough to come out of that circle..many a great revolutions were crushed again and again, but sheer willpower and degtermination made them successfull the final time....doesnt hurt to throw ur best for one more time....ur well wisher...Ramesh
Posted by: Ramesh | June 30, 2005 01:33 PM

Finally break up

Itz been few weeks i look for him and no answer, and i did it, now, i lost my solitude for couple of weeks...

Im tellin you I’m fed up with work already. I tot my planned vacation with ma orange will cover up everything, but then its canceled. Im crying, soo very very hard. I loose my self for few weeks back. I don’t want to see anything and nothing at all, all I let it flow and go with the wind.
I SMS him as notice him that finally I’m willing to let him go. I did it not for him, I know he will delete it or somehow will not going to read it. I did it for me, myself, to be brave to let him go. And im regret. This tears is a very painful tears. I hate crying. Really.

I don’t know where to look for a shoulder to cry on, but Hassan told me, there’s GOD there always open his arms for me. My Lord, I luv you.
Just too many man in my circle but then I only pick one for me, planned and waited to be with him for so long, Living with killing missing ness, and when the minutes to come, I have to let him go. He wants me to let him go. Lord, why life never being fair on me?

I can just F**K with any man I think I deserve to have and flirt on me. But this silly loyal lady fools her self and got being kept in wrap as return. I know my tears will not matter for him as he leaves the previous one for me. Even a life on the end of valium dint worked, why sud mine worth?

See, what was regret me is, I keep told him, we can just be friend, I don’t deserve to have yours and stuff, but he assure me, told me to keep the faith, be strong for d distance, all things carry me to dreams. And he break it. Treated my heart just like tea bag! I;m MAD, really crazy, but what can I do? My pride so flatted now and I wish I can kill him by my own hand. Slice him into pieces and torture him as cruel as anyone can do.

But I can’t. And somehow I won’t keep crying also.

I dunno why, its just all we had back then too sweet to forget. I still have the wish he can keep making me proud of whatever decision make, like what he did and till now. I luv him that way and that kinda feeling it’s not passionate one. And its still here, stuck in my heart. That’s why I can’t do anything. Love loose already, but my proud ness to have him as strong kiddo never till now.

I will beat him someday, will make his eyes sees me, as I was to everyone else hurt me before. I know im gonna do that, its happen with Van before, been 11 years to go now. I have short moment for him as he told me so, but somehow I know I will got the chance. Lord keep leads me to the way of whatevea I faith on even it took years.

For once, he sure knows, I’m a person who will never forget a pass. Im a person who always loyal for a feeling. I keep my promise to all people I care, even they ask me to stop visiting them or putting my care less for them. He know when my heart crush on cares ness, I will never take it off till their or my time come.

And somehow, I will keep my promises to him, no matter what, till my time or his time. Even it won’t be a passionate luv but making up a commitment to sincere ones it’s a must for me, and somehow there’s always a pathway to do that. It’s a lord gift, maybe coz I don’t ask for return in care.

So, I will keep my proms to this fucking bullshit guy who once telling me he never let down people he consider close to him!

No one likes to live in pain, but it survives you to beat it.

Sunday Oct'02'05